Hell Hath No Fury Like A Vegetable Wronged

ALL SORTS OF KINDS: 

Around 200,000 years ago, in Africa, the very first of our (scientific) names, Homo sapiens, appeared and boom! In 1868, we came across it's skeletons. In any case, that was the time, around which humankind graced the planet with their benevolence.

At around 10,000 BC to 7000 BC, humankind  entered into cultivation of crops (common sense being still under cultivation in early twenty first century). Hence, vegetablekind was forced into its first steps towards what would be years of suffering, subjugation, pain and agony under the hands of their human cultivators.

With the invention of writing about 5,200 years ago, humankind gave shape and form to their very creative ideas thus inventing (which was obviously, the work of God through mankind) the, well... religion kind. (Theist outrage removed)

During the first century, the son of God descended on Earth to eradicate all human suffering (except for my grades, though. That part remains unexplained).

Which brings us to the next phase of our article,

VEGETABLES AND THEIR RELIGIOUS CONNECTION:

The vegetable and religion go way back. With the advent of Christianity and some insightful knowledge from Evagrius Ponticus, humankind was handed over the moral compass to guide their intrinsic urges with the idea of a certain Hell being used to keep everyone morally upright. In any case, we got a list of seven deadly sins, whose perpetration relegated the malefactor to the fathomless lacuna of the grisly Gehenna (didn't get it? I know, Biblical times can be this confusing!).
So, what do vegetables share in common with the seven sins?

SINFUL VEGETABLES:

In my very extensive research, I came across an observation that, dicing and slicing of vegetables not only goes against the basic Christian teachings of mercy and compassion, eating vegetables can also urge people to commit the seven sins thus, outraging the traditional Christian values. Before I go on to explain how, we must have an idea of the seven sins first.
The seven sins:

• Lust
• Gluttony
• Greed
• Sloth
• Wrath
• Envy
• Pride

Starting of with lust, in case you didn't already know, vegetables can make you lusty. Celery, for instance, contains androsterone, A hormone which when released through male perspiration and according to many studies, plays a part in human courtship by heightening female arousal. Garlic contains allicin which increases blood flow to the sexual organs and it also, happens to be a good vampire repellent (though now, I wonder why?). 

"I'm a vegetaria─"
"Fuck you."

You may think that this is bananas but bananas also contain an enzyme, bromelain, that raises female libido (oh, the horror!).

"I increase female libido?"

And that's not all: Vegetables have also been known to incite sloth and gluttony in humans. High magnesium foods like pumpkin seeds and halibut make you feel lazy as the magnesium in these foods makes the body muscles relaxed completely and also affects the body's energy level. Lettuce leaves contain a natural sedative that can make one feel lazy.

With the advent of the new vegan diet and the vegetarian era, we have taken to consuming vegetables at a colossal scale hence, committing ourselves deeper and deeper into the sin of gluttony. 

And, not to mention, vegans take pride in their vegan-hood, which is both nothing to be proud of and also another sin against  God. Mind you, we aren't against a vegan or a vegetarian diet, which happens to be very healthy but if it comes at the cost of our faith, we wonder if vegan diets are worth it.

VEGETABLES DO NOT A GOOD CHRISTIAN MAKE

Archbishop Desmond Tutu had it right,

"If you are neutral in situations of injustice, you have chosen the side of the oppressor. If an elephant has its foot on the tail of a mouse and you say that you are neutral, the mouse will not appreciate your neutrality."

So, when we stand by and watch those vegetables ruthlessly, chopped off under the knife, we are committing an injustice, every time we ascertain that people have a right to the choice of their diet. It is never really a good choice if it comes at the cost of a life.

If you liked this article, you can follow us on Facebook at Peopleforvegetables and on Twitter, at PeTOVsociety or subscribe to us via email with the subscribe button up top. Share the message with the Share button, and  keep fighting for the vegetables!